Friday, May 17, 2013

Crying In My Fries

Disclaimer: The author of this blog post is heavily medicated, teary and scared out of her wits!

After my husband got called in to work again this week I decided dinner would be In N Out. Yum! As I sat there in my car, all quiet with time to think, I began to cry. Not just tears for my hurting back but a release of fear and worry that has plagued me for weeks zapping my energy and my creativity. As the tears streamed down my face I realized I had not cried when I got the news that I need my entire lower back fused in a horrific surgery.

As is my usual response I began "getting ready" for the surgery. I bought two old lady snap front nightgowns,  figured out what items on my calendar I had to cancel, bought birthday presents for friends with upcoming birthdays, cleaned off my desk, organized my studio, did laundry, arranged help for my upcoming east coast buying help, made a ridiculous honey do list for my hubby, scheduled our annual termite inspection and the list goes on. I did not want to think about how terrified I was.

They are going to cut me in half front and back and insert a huge metal cage, plates and screws. No reason to be scared. I will not be able to drive, craft, cook, sit, travel, shop, clean, go to concerts at the fair, hit the beach, paint, make jewelry or any of the things that make my life rich. No reason to be scared. I will have one to three months of considerable pain that will be only partially taken care of with the narcotics that will make me a zombie. No reason to be scared.  The rehab portion where I learn to walk and do everything else safely will last an excruciating six months. No reason to be scared.

As I sat there cramming french fries in my mouth and crying I realized I am not scared I am TERRIFIED! I have been scared before- no big. I have never been terrified. I cannot avoid it, nor can I wallow in it. I am acknowledging my fear and moving forward. I have given myself permission to miss things, cancel things, change things and ask for things and do whatever helps. This is about getting through something really awful.

My friends have all rallied around me and offered help. I will need it. I have never had to ask for help like this. I am known for being fiercely independent and self reliant.  Accepting and asking for help with grace will be a new challenge. So here I sit- scared and that is alright. I will fight through the pain to rehab in record time. I will regain my independence one day at a time. With a ton of love, friendship, medical miracle workers, and a ridiculous amount of help from my friends I will get through this.

This is Addy. The best pain medicine ever. She delivers puppy kisses and snuggles in large doses. I have not forgotten my sweet Max or Lulu, they are helping with snuggles and kisses too. There is just something special about a puppy. They have magic healing powers for your worries or ailments.

I am not sure I had a point in sharing this- maybe I just did it for myself to acknowledge the fright and get back to being creative instead of avoiding the feeling.  At the end of this journey I will have a journal filled with bad, drug induced, emotional sketches. I am not sure they will translate into new jewelry designs but it should be pretty amusing! I cannot wait to get back to creating! I am going to rock Spring 2014!!!


  1. Oh Tara - I'd be terrified too! That's beyond "I'm not going to cry". But you are strong and independent, and with today's modern medicine, you'll sail through. Chin up! Hugs. xoxox

  2. Sweet friend,
    I am so, SO sorry that you have to go through this. You are brave, but something like this you need all the tears, french fries and friends you can get. I am more than happy to help. Dinner, errands, whatever, please put me on your list.

  3. Tara.. you have written your inner, deep feelings with such passion! I was, and am, right there with you! I had back surgery 8 years ago and I know exactly.. exactly.. what you are going through. So much is written about back surgeries and not in a positive way. No wonder we enter this with fear! I have never gone into a surgical room with tears streaming down my face like I did that day. And I was blessed to have an amazing nurse take hold of my hands, lean close to my face, smile, and say "would you like me to say a prayer?" I will never forget that moment! So, I know how you feel when your mobility is challenged to the very core of who you are. You will get through this.. you will be a better person on the other side of it.. and in the meantime, you will have many friends who will be saying a prayer for you no matter what part of the country we live in. Hugs and kisses to you, friend!! xoxo

  4. Hi Tara, I am so sorry that you have to go through the back surgery.With your positive attitude, a few tears and some yummy french fries and wonderful friends and family you are going to get through surgery with flying colors and getting back to creating your beautiful art and jewelry.

    I put you on my healing prayer list.
    Blessings and Best Wishes for a speedy recovery.

  5. Hi Tara-
    I so appreciate your authenticity. Love how you shared about your fears, french fries and friends.
    Despite what you are going through, your effervescent spirit still shines through!
    You, my dear, are simply amazing.
    And I agree, nothing more comforting than a baby animal curled up at your side :)

  6. Miss Tara, I love your honesty and transparency. I love that you cried into your french fries, and that you knew you needed to let yourself cry to mourn the temporary loss of your independence, and to release the fear you had been holding inside. I love that you share your fear and pain and thoughts so openly... you never know who reads this blog post and REALLY needs to know that it's OK to feel fear and acknowledge it. You are so brave <3

    Yes, my friend, you have always been known as a strong, fiercely independent and self-reliant woman. I can tell you from experience that God can take this time of your life - where you are 'incapacitated', helpless, dependent, limited, and in pain - and minister to you in ways that He couldn't when you were so strong. He can use your weakness to glorify His strength, and others can see something within you that was never apparent before: Your willingness to NOT be strong for a time. He will carry you safely on this journey, Tara, of that I am absolutely certain... and you will see that He has great things planned for you. It's not just about healing your back, and ending your physical pain. He has more in mind. He always does <3

    You will be in my prayers, Tara - and I know that with your remarkable mother in law in your life, you will have an encourager that will remind you ever day that you are God's incredible child!