Friday, May 17, 2013

Crying In My Fries

Disclaimer: The author of this blog post is heavily medicated, teary and scared out of her wits!

After my husband got called in to work again this week I decided dinner would be In N Out. Yum! As I sat there in my car, all quiet with time to think, I began to cry. Not just tears for my hurting back but a release of fear and worry that has plagued me for weeks zapping my energy and my creativity. As the tears streamed down my face I realized I had not cried when I got the news that I need my entire lower back fused in a horrific surgery.

As is my usual response I began "getting ready" for the surgery. I bought two old lady snap front nightgowns,  figured out what items on my calendar I had to cancel, bought birthday presents for friends with upcoming birthdays, cleaned off my desk, organized my studio, did laundry, arranged help for my upcoming east coast buying help, made a ridiculous honey do list for my hubby, scheduled our annual termite inspection and the list goes on. I did not want to think about how terrified I was.

They are going to cut me in half front and back and insert a huge metal cage, plates and screws. No reason to be scared. I will not be able to drive, craft, cook, sit, travel, shop, clean, go to concerts at the fair, hit the beach, paint, make jewelry or any of the things that make my life rich. No reason to be scared. I will have one to three months of considerable pain that will be only partially taken care of with the narcotics that will make me a zombie. No reason to be scared.  The rehab portion where I learn to walk and do everything else safely will last an excruciating six months. No reason to be scared.

As I sat there cramming french fries in my mouth and crying I realized I am not scared I am TERRIFIED! I have been scared before- no big. I have never been terrified. I cannot avoid it, nor can I wallow in it. I am acknowledging my fear and moving forward. I have given myself permission to miss things, cancel things, change things and ask for things and do whatever helps. This is about getting through something really awful.

My friends have all rallied around me and offered help. I will need it. I have never had to ask for help like this. I am known for being fiercely independent and self reliant.  Accepting and asking for help with grace will be a new challenge. So here I sit- scared and that is alright. I will fight through the pain to rehab in record time. I will regain my independence one day at a time. With a ton of love, friendship, medical miracle workers, and a ridiculous amount of help from my friends I will get through this.

This is Addy. The best pain medicine ever. She delivers puppy kisses and snuggles in large doses. I have not forgotten my sweet Max or Lulu, they are helping with snuggles and kisses too. There is just something special about a puppy. They have magic healing powers for your worries or ailments.

I am not sure I had a point in sharing this- maybe I just did it for myself to acknowledge the fright and get back to being creative instead of avoiding the feeling.  At the end of this journey I will have a journal filled with bad, drug induced, emotional sketches. I am not sure they will translate into new jewelry designs but it should be pretty amusing! I cannot wait to get back to creating! I am going to rock Spring 2014!!!