Crying In My Fries

Disclaimer: The author of this blog post is heavily medicated, teary and scared out of her wits!

After my husband got called in to work again this week I decided dinner would be In N Out. Yum! As I sat there in my car, all quiet with time to think, I began to cry. Not just tears for my hurting back but a release of fear and worry that has plagued me for weeks zapping my energy and my creativity. As the tears streamed down my face I realized I had not cried when I got the news that I need my entire lower back fused in a horrific surgery.

As is my usual response I began "getting ready" for the surgery. I bought two old lady snap front nightgowns,  figured out what items on my calendar I had to cancel, bought birthday presents for friends with upcoming birthdays, cleaned off my desk, organized my studio, did laundry, arranged help for my upcoming east coast buying help, made a ridiculous honey do list for my hubby, scheduled our annual termite inspection and the list goes on. I did not want to think about how terrified I was.

They are going to cut me in half front and back and insert a huge metal cage, plates and screws. No reason to be scared. I will not be able to drive, craft, cook, sit, travel, shop, clean, go to concerts at the fair, hit the beach, paint, make jewelry or any of the things that make my life rich. No reason to be scared. I will have one to three months of considerable pain that will be only partially taken care of with the narcotics that will make me a zombie. No reason to be scared.  The rehab portion where I learn to walk and do everything else safely will last an excruciating six months. No reason to be scared.

As I sat there cramming french fries in my mouth and crying I realized I am not scared I am TERRIFIED! I have been scared before- no big. I have never been terrified. I cannot avoid it, nor can I wallow in it. I am acknowledging my fear and moving forward. I have given myself permission to miss things, cancel things, change things and ask for things and do whatever helps. This is about getting through something really awful.

My friends have all rallied around me and offered help. I will need it. I have never had to ask for help like this. I am known for being fiercely independent and self reliant.  Accepting and asking for help with grace will be a new challenge. So here I sit- scared and that is alright. I will fight through the pain to rehab in record time. I will regain my independence one day at a time. With a ton of love, friendship, medical miracle workers, and a ridiculous amount of help from my friends I will get through this.

This is Addy. The best pain medicine ever. She delivers puppy kisses and snuggles in large doses. I have not forgotten my sweet Max or Lulu, they are helping with snuggles and kisses too. There is just something special about a puppy. They have magic healing powers for your worries or ailments.

I am not sure I had a point in sharing this- maybe I just did it for myself to acknowledge the fright and get back to being creative instead of avoiding the feeling.  At the end of this journey I will have a journal filled with bad, drug induced, emotional sketches. I am not sure they will translate into new jewelry designs but it should be pretty amusing! I cannot wait to get back to creating! I am going to rock Spring 2014!!!

Keeping it Creative

I am a terrible blogger. Ok, I was a terrible blogger. I have found my creative voice. Now I have something to say and ideas to share so you might actually hear from me far more than you wanted . So what was the big revelation? Ironically it was the fact that I do not need a big dramatic revelation to share my creative bliss with you. So here goes!

Keeping the creative juices flowing means knowing what I have. I spend a little time each day sorting things into their proper place. It is an ongoing battle but one that pays. As I spend my 15 minutes sorting the piles that have accumulated, or a box of goodies that were in overflow storage, I always find a little nugget of inspiration. The seed of an idea that I will nurture over the next days, weeks or months. So take a break from the creating every once and a while and look through your supplies. You might just get hit with a brilliant idea!!

Art and Insecurities

I have been working on some pieces for Art Walk February 2nd in Santa Ana.  Last night I woke up with my heart pounding. The nagging voice in my head was growing louder. The voice of insecurity. All artists know this voice. Usually it is a whisper at the back of our mind saying - Is that your best? _ Hasn't that been done? -Will anyone like this? Last night my inner voice of insecurity was screaming at me. Very rude! " Your bird sucks! - You are rusty!"

So what do you do? I was laying there wide awake and it occurred to me that nothing bad would happen if my bird sucked. No one would be harmed, no one would starve, the world would not be knocked off its axis. I am not defined by a bird I painted. This is the year of no fear! I will paint. I will exhibit my work. I am certain that if I allow myself to give it a go after not painting for almost 25 years, something amazing will happen. Or maybe,  I will simply not be afraid to paint any more.

I walked away from the fine arts when I graduated from college and never looked back. During my last few weeks as an undergrad all of my work from the previous four years was on exhibit. The majority of the exhibit was stolen. I did not shed a tear or get mad. I just walked away and accepted that the universe had told me it was time to put away my toys and get on with my career. It has taken me this long to realize I could have been enjoying creating all this time. So this is a new beginning- a do over if you will.  I will re-learn the techniques I so enjoyed and I will paint.  It may suck but I will enjoy myself.

You will have to come to art walk to see the entire painting but here is the bird I lost sleep over. I started by sketching on paper in colored pencil and when I liked what I had I decided to actually use that image. ( I was afraid to try drawing it again.) I collaged it onto the canvas and added many layers of paint. In fact I had trouble stopping. I could just not get it quite right. So here is my imperfect bird!

Be fearless!! It wil free your creativity.

xoxo
Tara